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Nigerian hospitals are a bit different from any other hospital you can ever see in any part of the world, apart from the difference in policies,the mode of operation differs as well as the workforce, the Nurses, Doctors and others.

Below are the 10 different types of doctors you will meet/find in a Nigerian hospital.

1. The Smoker/alcoholic :These are the types you see educating you on the need to stop smoking or taking Alcohol. They tell you cigarettes and alcohol predispose you to various forms of diseases.While this is true, they on the other hand are addicted smokers and drunkards, in fact some of them can drink their urine. No Matter what you do or say, they will never give up.

2. The pastors: When you come across these types in the consulting room, they either turn the consultation to a prayer or envangelism session. To them every disease is caused by the devil, you see them moving up and down speaking in tongues. Sometimes you wonder if they went to a medical school or theological school.

3. The fuck buddies: These are the ones that like women, they are usually cute and inteligent. From consultation they carry you to another level. If these ones examine your girlfriend, your own don finish. Some female doctors are not exempted. You see them exchanging phone numbers with patients and relatives.They tell you “If you notice any side effects in the prescribed drugs, call me” na lie, na wetin dem wan chop dem dey find.

4. The counselors: These are called personal advisers. They will first ask for your age before telling you the results of your tests. If you come for Hiv test,be ready for series of interview questions from them before they start counseling you. You hear something like “How many boyfriends do you have”? Do your parents know you have a boyfriend”? If you’re coming for an abortion just pray you don’t get to meet these types on duty.

5. The brainiacs : These ones are like computers, they have solutions to every of your medical needs. You tend to wonder if they spend longer years at the medical school. They are not so easy to comeby in the Nigerian hospitals nowadays, many of them have either gone out of the country or on the verge of going out in search of greener pastures.

6. The dullards : These are direct opposite of the brainiacs. They are the ones you see always pompous and disrespectful. They can’t attend to you without consulting Google. They and their phones are 5 & 6. Sometimes you wonder if they never passed through the medical school. You better pray you never come across these ones as they either complicate your disease progression or cause an irreplaceable complication.

7. The Jonahs : These are replica of the biblical character “Jonah”. They resume work now and in the next minute, they are sleeping. They can sleep on water, if you like call them for patients from now till tomorrow they will never answer until you go to meet them. No be dem fault, dem don dey another planet.

8. The beggars: These are the worst you could ever meet in the Nigerian hospital, these types no dey get pen. You see them begging nurses for pens and stethoscope. Apart from begging for pen, they are also specialists in taxing patients, tipping is part of them.You hear something like “bros how far, you never drop anything o” soft work, na dem work .

9. The emotional: These are mostly females, although men are not excluded. Breaking bad news to patients is not their calling. They cry when they lose any of their patients. They tend to be pathetic rather than empathic.

10. The Tyson : These types are very aggressive and can fight with anybody, be it patients or relatives. Just pray you never have these types as your MD or HOD, if you do, OYO is your case.

Now that we’ve told you the 10 types of doctors you will meet in a Nigerian hospital, we would love to hear from you. Which other type have you met or know?

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